Friendship over relationship. That's the way I choose to live.

I try not to get myself involved in situations that can easily get me heartbroken. At this age, being in a relationship with someone isn't something I look forward to. I've had my heart broken many times, and it was awful. I know how it feels like, and I don't want that feeling again. At least not for now.

Right now my main focus is my education, and my relationship with Allah. I want to get good grades and become an all-rounder so I can land a job at a successful company, and Insha-Allah become a successful woman as well. I wouldn't mind being friends with the opposite gender (although it's not something I would chase after), but to be in a relationship with someone at this stage of life, it's not a good time. Relationships are something that's really fragile. It can last up till the end of time if both parties are passionately working on it, but once it's really broken, chances are it can't be fixed. And behold, you've just lost a soul who've once meant the whole world to you. 

Maybe I don't need a boyfriend now. But who cares. I get enough moral support from my family and close friends to keep me going. I'm just not the type who'd hook up with someone just for the fun of it.This is something I take as a serious matter. I wouldn't want my future husband to have a wife who's had so many lovers in the past. That's not very nice now, is it? Perhaps, I'm thinking too much too soon. But hey, I care about my future.

I don't know why, but I feel like I should post this, just to keep the reason to myself.

Awak

Penat lah nak handle benda yang sama. The answer is still no. Respect my privacy pls.

Syafinaz maris, blah dee blahblah

On my desk, doing nothing
1153 pm, 
Komsas Al-Kindi C1
Perlis Matriculation College

I havent been very productive lately and I'm starting to freak out. UPS's are in a month and I'm probably closer than ever to being the last in class. I dont want that but I dont know what to do and how to deal with my current lack of concentration towards my studies. I get distracted way too easily and I just cant seem to sit still at my desk to study. I keep wanting to study at the cafeteria downstairs since I feel that it's a more conducive environment for me but no one seems to want to join so I'd feel like an awkward loser just sitting there all alone with books in front of me :/

I dont mean to sound pathetic but I feel really lonely here. I've got friends but they do their things alone and rarely have study groups together. I've never felt more lonely than I do now because even back in school, during our preparations for SPM, my friends and I would always catch up with one another and we'd study together. Whereas here and now, everyone seems to reject my invitation to start a study group and I've reached the point where I'm just fed up with everything. I'll study alone then, so be it. 

I don't know if I'm just pressured and stressed with my studies but right now everything ticks me off. The littlest things ruin my mood for the whole day & night and I get mad so easily and I hate it. I just wanna go home and spend time with my family but that's close to impossible since my family's everywhere around the country and they're all busy with their own things to do. 

Aaaarrrgh!

*melt*

Have you ever wanted to meet yourself and see yourself from someone else’s point of view?

I'm very cranky today.

Why why whyyyyyyy? :O

Well, firstly, I'm fasting today. So right now I'm very very hungry. Secondly, I'm very very tired and the only thing I wanna do now is just hit the bed. Thirdly, I have a ton of work to be done and I'm worried that I might not be able to finish them on time. I'm just so stressed right now. I feel like tearing off someone's limbs. Ahh tolong saya! You have no idea how tired I am right now. Bloody hell I'm so tired and I'm gonna cry.

I had a very long day today. I'm not really in the mood to write and I'm supposed to be finishing my business assignment right now, but I'm not in the mood for that either. I got home (dorm) from kuliah around 230 pm, after finishing my 'usrah' class. By the time I got home, I was really very tired and thirsty from fasting and I quickly put my bag on the floor, took off my baju kurung and I immediately zonked out on my bed. Ah, my bed. My beautiful, princessy bed :')

I slept for almost two hours after getting home because I was so, so tired beyond words. I could feel the exhaustion and dehydration taking over my system that I had no choice but to take a really long nap. By the time I woke up it was already 6.20pm, so I put on my peasant pants and get ready for buka puasa. We had 2 pans of cheezo mix double deals pizza for our buka puasa, and durian crepe as a dessert. After showering and after having my dinner, I had to get started on my work. So I did. But not all of them are complete, so I just finished the ones that are short and easy because I really don't have the mood for that right now.

God I'm such a mess. I'm such a wreck and I don't know how to manage my time wisely. I only know how to plan my time, the only problem is that I give myself too much pampering by saying it's OK not to do this or that. I can't be that person anymore. But, that girl is still in me, i know. Did I mention that I didn't even have my sahur today? Yeah.

I feel like listening to this song, i don't like 1D but this song really made my day!

Awww, what a wonderful song. Naa na naaa~

fynazmaris A2T3B

Kolej Matrikulasi Perlis Gen 2012/2013 Komsas Al-Kindi C1

Ummph Ahh oyeh!

 -________-

Where's everyone when you really need someone to talk to?

Please lah, have some dignity, kay?

You don't know me that much, I don't even know you, so please don't pretend like as if you've known me a long time, kay?

See, here's the thing. Just because you can do something so perfectly doesn't mean that everyone else can. You can't laugh at people's abnormalities and imperfections. Such as, "Buruknya kaki kau, cacat. Euww" or "Hitamnya kau haha" It is irritating. Stop doing it. Don't ask me why...you just can't. To make fun and laugh at people's imperfections right in front of their faces, technically, where they can hear you and know that you're talking about them, well, that's just plain rude and mean. It's a form of bullying, and it's just sad that most people nowadays just don't see it.

It's not really a pleasant thing to hear people laughing at other people's abnormalities, insecurities, imperfections...blah dee blah blah. Or mine, somehow. I don't know about you and i could care-less! Don't you ever think that if you make fun of someone's imperfections, other people might just be laughing at you? I mean, come on, what goes around comes around. Haven't you ever heard of that? It's Karma!

I know I'm being so lame right now, but is it such a bad thing that at least I have a heart for other people's feelings? That at least I care about how others are feeling? Or mine, though. Is that so wrong?

Sigh. It's so sad that everyone's getting meaner and meaner nowadays.

KBYE

I'm sick of you

Kolej Matrikulasi Perlis,
Al-kindi, blok C1,
2012/2013,
On the bed, boredom.

Adalah seorang perempuan ni suka buat perkara yang annoyying kat saya. Why? I dont know. Don't ask me. Ahhh. Such a dick. Sorry fr my word.

First, she copy me! Almost everything, you know. Yes, it is not a big deal, but hey what would you feel if someone do things after you. Kita pakai merah, dia pakai merah. Kita pakai shawl then suddenly she says, "Eh dulu i used to wear shawl tau" which is, i know that ain't true. & with the bedak all over her face. Ahh. That is not necessary kay! Suka persaingan sangat kat benda macam ni. What for? Merepek. & merimaskan. Sikir-sikit nak compete. Be yourself la girl. Stop being such a cry baby.

Secondly, She loves to stare at me. Ahh ni scary! Bila saya tengah prepare ke kelas. And I'll terperasan yang someone is looking right into my face. Deep into my eyes, for no reason! Tertekan dibuatnya apabila ditanya, nothing. Sakit ini lah, sakit itu lah. Such a trash.

Thirdly, Miss know everything and also a story maker! Setiap topic yang kami bercerita, dia lah raja yang tahu semua nya. Ahh unless your name is Google darling, stop acting like you know everything -______-  I do know you better. Jangan tipu benda yang orang dah tahu story tu tak betul kay. Sha Hmm many more. Malas nak cakap banyak just nak lepas rasa tak puas hati. Sabar sabar sabar, haha. 

Be positive syafinaz, positive mind please, positive, positive, positive. Ahh.

 

I WONDER WHY

Homesick

Homesick. I wanna go home. This place is giving me too much hope. I'm constantly drowned by the memories that hit me like a tidal wave and the only thing I can do is just go with the current that leads me to absolute nowhere. I wanna go home. I wanna see Mama, Yayah  Kakyang & faiq. Go out for dinner with them. Have lunch or go grocery shopping with Mama and Kakyang. Hug her and wrap my arms around her belly, just like how I used to as a kid. I wanna sit on that damn massage chair for hours without caring about anything else, gazing out the garden on a bright sunny weather with a mug of Nescafe and listening to songs that can make me forget the world.

I wanna go home. Forget every problem. Forget everyone. Forget the world. 

It's the only way I can escape.

Alor Setar time!

KMP

I just got back from Alor Setar, and I am tired. I'm so sleepy but I just feel like logging on to the internet before going to sleep. Haha.

I really had tons of fun in Alor Setar. We went out sightseeing around the city at night. They took me to 18 corner, Pekan Rabu, City Plaza, and the list goes on........And oh! If you go to Kedah I meant Alor Setar, you have to go to Alor Setar Mall! It's this huge shopping complex where you can find literally anything good quality with very low prices! Hehehe.

We got some cool stuff there, too. I bought a couple of baby-tees with sarcastic remarks on them, and Salwa got her very first pair of gladiator sandals, and many other things. I also recorded in my mind some of the sarcastic but memorable phrases that my rommates and I came up with...

First, we went to Star Parade and.. bowling time!

Faiza & ME :)

ME & Salwa :)

Donkey time! :p haaha

Ni bilik hotel kami, The New Regent !

Thanks to Salwa Hanee (:

There are many more, but naaah, tak tangkap gambar hihi.

Kedah Alor Setar was great. Managed to spend some quality time with my friends there. Back to KMP now. Looking forward to my Kuliah and classes. Ahhh. And I miss being there, and that one night when we went out for dinner and one night we  sat on the couch in front of the TV in our hotel, eating the decadent, delicious, snacks. And and i miss the smell of the hotel. And our bed. And simply getting out of the hotel and taking the train/bus to anywhere I wanted myself to be at. Hmm. I'd love to go back. 

The time will fly by without even knowing it.

Hello Alor setar Kedah!

This is it. I'll be going to Alor Setar  with my roommates by bus, and our bus will be leaving at 4PM later.

I'm pretty excited to be in Kedah (konon) for a couple of days. Haha. As if. I'm excited, yes. I know I'll be gone from KMP for a couple of days. Hehe, finally :p

Gosh, I don't know why I'm tearing up right now. I miss my parents, and Kakyang and Faiq. And I miss being home, too. I just hope the homesickness won't last for long. I can't stand being homesick! Well, nobody does, right?

Yeah, Hello Alor Setar!

WOHOOOOOOOOO!!

 View from the menara Alor setar, Kedahhah.

So, anyway, yeah I'm excited to go to kedah! I'm looking forward to the things I'll do! Hehe. The downside is that I'm definitely going to miss KMP, maybe. Just a couple of days, not long right? In two days' time I'll be at KMP again! -_____- Haha, really, two days doesn't sound that long.

Do pray that I'll have a safe journey. Amin!

Bismillah

You, Mr A. H.

I've been watching you from distance. Like, crazy

Why?
*sigh

Anyway, I've barely got time (and motivation) to update my blog nowadays and i feel like deleting this blog. Urghh! But, it feels like i'm deleting the history of my life. Daaah!

12:33 PM, still awake

Memalukan

Tragedi memalukan berlaku tadi! :O 

FUHH!

Aku dengan fatin & Anem main-main basikal at 5 petang tadi and guess what?!!

Aku terjatuh basikal. Arghhhh! 

And paling memalukan, masa itu i was hiding myself from Farid, my classmate. Sebab masatu kami memang tengah gila-gila. Kacau orang lah, Ms. kuew tiaw from A3, Mr. pencuri from C2. Alaaa, mereka yang berlakon drama tu pantomin tu. They're one of the winners. 

Aku terjatuh masa selekoh nak ke guard. Kami bertiga lalu bawah bumbung yang ada Air pancut yang mati tu. (Why mati? Sebab tak pernah nampak air). And beberapa c.m. dari tempat kejadian, ada Farid and siddique. OMG, memalukan. Right after aku melepasi sebelah siddique, aku terjatuh teruk & basikal aku jatuh bukit. Aku sedar--sedar ke. Kaki aku rasa cramp and aku dengar orang tergelak-gelak. Fatin, Farid Anem gelak! Ah kejam :( Hahaha. Masatu memang gila malu. Masa dah jatuh tuu, siddique tanya. 'Finaz, okay tak?', about 3 to 4 times jugak dia tanya aku. But I didn't answer. Even aku tak pandang pun muka dia. Gila apa, malu seyh .Dengan gossip aku dengan dia dulu buatkan aku rasa, 'Hey siddique, kita buat buat tak kenal jap boleh' Malu. Then Farid cakap, dia okay tuu. Sebab nampak aku tergelak-gelak macam orang gila. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Takpernah malu macam ini weh :O You have my word :/ 

Video pantomin

Kolej Matrikulasi Perlis,

Blok Al-Kindi C1, room 203B.

1:45 AM.

Today has marked the end of a very hectic and tiring week. I've had so much fun this week, even though there were times when I was down and gloomy and moody but despite all that, I really enjoyed myself and I'm sure others did too.

We've done it. Us C1 Al-kindi's girls, we've done it! Our 'pantomin' video went by smoothly even though we had some problems with our props and changing scenes, but we still did it. Everyone looked spectacular in their outfits! We did our best and you have no idea how exciting it was for us.

When it came to announcing the best overall performances, we were downright nervous. My hands and feet were cold and my heart was pacing so fast. When they were announcing the class who got the third placing, our hearts shattered. It wasn't us, and somehow we knew that we wouldn't stand a chance against the other three classes. We were so sure of getting third place and when we didn't. We were all so down and disappointed, and it came to a point where I felt like just getting out of the hall so I wouldn't hear the results. But it's okay. We've tried our best. Orang kata, dah tak ada rezeki nak buat macam mana kaaan. :)

Psst anyway, you wanna know something? It's 2:34 am and I'm still awake. Or am I..? I think I'm half-asleep. Hahah. This is what sleep deprivation does to you. Hopefully I'll be going to bed soon. Blablabla

I haven't been getting enough sleep lately and I'm just awfully exhausted. I'm just tired, really. Mentally and physically.

Homework awaits

Goodbye. I'm going to dig my grave now.

Night owls rule.

 video of us, enjoy! :)

If only you can understand me

Kolej Matrikulasi Perlis. 
Al-Kindi C1, room 203
Cold. Starving. Ahhh

My mental state isn't at its very best. I am not happy with the way i am right now. I can't breathe and i feel like there's this huge burden on me. I feel like my future will be a dark and scary and i don't know how to change that. I feel so helpless. I keep getting distracted from my work and after a while I'd end up thinking to myself, 'Where did the time go?' 

I feel like giving up. My head is just a mess. Sometimes i forget my purpose of being here. Of just being, you know, here. I keep forgetting my goals and my dreams and i keep losing my motivation. I keep forgetting the quotes and phrases i used to keep me motivated to keep on doing whatever I'm doing. I keep losing hope. I have never felt so alone in my life. 

I can't find the words to describe my situation right now but all i know is that I'm not in a very good state at the moment. I'm very unstable these days and i just feel so lost. I keep wanting to call my mama or kakyang, just to talk about my problems but the thing is i don't even know what to talk about. Like i said, i can't find the words to explain my situation at the moment. I don't even know what my problem is, to begin with. 

I just want someone who can understand me better than i can. I dont understand myself most of the time. Is that just too much to ask?

Did i mention? I'm in love.

You cry baby

That unpleasant feeling when someone says something nasty and hurtful to you right to your face and you feel offended and spoiled rotten inside and all you could do is shut up because you know that talking back would be pointless because you're the good person you know you are. So I shall tame this unpleasant feeling that I'm feeling right now by jamming my earphones into my ears and listening to Young Guns on full volume. Good day everyone. Good day.

I feel like I'm sinking. God, do you know how that FEELS like?

I'm stupid.Okay fine, I may not be stupid, but I just feel stupid. I feel so stupid because my results for my midterm papers are terrible. Bad.I did not get the result like what i expected. Banyak A-. I dapat account A, tapi lain A-, B. I've had no idea what i was studying before. I rasa macam something tak kena dengan result i. Sebab I rasa I belajar & I dapat jawab. Kawan I yang belajar together with me semua dapat result gempak. What have i done? If that appears bad to me, then don't even bother asking what my parents think of it. The answer is just obvious; it's TERRIBLE. Well they may not tell me straight to my face that my results were just terrible, but they don't have to. I can see it in their eyes, I can sense it in their voices.

Hmm.

I rasa ada benda yang tak berkatkan i belajar. Mungkin I ada sakit kan hati orang secara tak sengaja or what not. I don't know, maybe I am becoming more and more dumb as the days go by. I have trouble concentrating in class and my mind constantly wanders away as my teacher lectures in front of the classroom. I'm so vulnerable to distractions that it's killing me with frustration. The cogs and gears in my brain are gradually reducing their speed, making my brain dimmer by the day.
 But you know, azrin, ira, who used to main-main pun dapat standard result macam i. What the...? I yang stay up sampai late night pun macamni. I patut berubah jadi apa lagi ni. Hmmm.

I'm frustrated, because i'm a failure at everything!

I don't know what made me change so much in a span of less than a year, and this change I don't like. I'm losing my mind. It hurts me. I nak tukar diploma but lagi 5 bulan je. Yeahh rite, sekejab je i kat sini. I akan cuba lagi yang terbaik. Ya Allah, bantu lah hambamu ini Ya Allah aku merayu. Murahkan lah rezeki ku.

Who always there for me, thank you sebab bagi semangat dekat finas. Seriously. Thanks sbb tolong finas.

There's one thing,

I risau dengan mama i. Maa, i'm really sorry. I didnt make it. Tapi kaknash janji, kaknash akan balas balik with much more better result. I love you so much. Sorry and thanks for everything.

The result. Find me. 

Sigh. Sometimes, writing my thoughts to let the world know how I feel just makes me feel so much better. Unfortunately, it failed this time.

I need my friends right now. But I just don't feel like talking to anyone.

Hmm. I feel like a slug. God why am I so EMO today? -.-

PSPM's result, tomorrow. Pray for me.

PLEASE

Kolej Matrikulasi Perlis

Kagem's carnival!

Just, a picture of mine. Hihi.

And, a video. Enjoy!

Life is quite painful

I hate these panic attacks.

I hate this anxiety.

I hate always worrying about everything. All the time.

I hate the paranoid.

I hate wondering if everyone and everyone is against me.

I hate always being depressed.

I hate the fact that I forgive easily & that I give chances too easily.

I try my hardest to hide all the pain and keep thinking that maybe this time things will change. But it never really happens, so I end up crying my sleep at night, regretting and hating myself. I hate always felling like this

When will i ever learn? There's so much pain, you know

*sigh*

Maybe I'm just having a hard time right now

Kolej matrikulasi Perlis

An incredibly craptastic day. Matriculation's life? Well. College is anything but fun, especially, during "refresh rule" meeting, last night. Super long irrelevant, incoherent announcements about the same thing over and over and over again. This was super long and tiring and all of us were just sick and tired of listening to the same announcements. Peraturan keluar masuk la, this la, that la. Every single semester you hear the same thing! It's annoying and time-wasting and irrelevant and pointless. Truth be told I don't think any of us actually care.

I sat next to Fatin Ibrahim and the two girls who sat next to her were irritating. Kept on making noises and were awfully rude. Ahhh.

Nowadays I've just incredibly annoyed by meeting and announcements. I've just realized that I've been disdaining the rules and regulations of the college haha. Ada lah :p Those ridiculous meetings that take up your studying time. We don't really need all these irrelevant info going into our heads. Well, at least, I know I don't. We've got facts to memorize and formulas to understand for pity's sake -_- I guess you can say that this college's meeting really ruined my mood the whole day. The meeting was ridiculously long and pointless and most of the time we were scolded in such a hyperbolic manner for the littlest of things! After a while we all got antsy and peeved. I know I was. 

Heh, and to make things worse, we were scolded really bad and it was just so embarrassing! The teacher screamed and yelled at the dumb microphone and we were all like, dude, chill! I guess it's fair to say that the hall was a chaos, but it wasn't entirely our fault! -- probably causing severe damage to my eardrums.

I really hate those darn meetings and announcements!

KMP! Shushhs.

Naaah, Kolej Matrikulasi Perlis AJKO's style -_____________-

Muka aku jadi semakin gelap gelap hitam hitam hitam melegam.
Why do i get hitam so fast?
Arghh!

Dah gelap kan? Oviously

Suddenly, rindu dekat baby Qisha Nur Zulaikha.

Kolej Matrikulasi Perlis

Hello bounjour! :D

Harini kami sekeluarga sempat bergambar. Exited sebab kelas kami yang first masuk Dewan Kuliah, hee.

A2T3

Ni lah gambar mula-mula, time ni sikit je kelas kitorang baru masuk. So sikit je la :) Happy jekan semua orang? Hihi. Masuk Dewan Kuliah 20 minutes before class started. Bagus tak? *wink*

Dari kiri atas, Rai, Tiqa, Fatin, Iffah, ME, Ira, Fara, Ana, another Tyka & Aimi <3

Ang yess! Finally semua dah datang! Tak termasuk boys lah, well that would be fine kann. 

Well well well, uhumm uhumm! *cough* 

Currently obsessed with this song. Reminds me of so many things. Pretty much explains what I'm going through right now. Hehe. ENJOY!

I can't wait for the weekend to come.

xoxo

HELP

I've been feeling pretty down lately. Lately I've come to realize that there aren't really that many people whom I can talk to. You know, just for a chat or something. Let alone talk about my problems. 

Like I said, you know, I can have as many friends and acquaintances as I want, but it all boils down to one thing; I will always, always be the odd one out. The sore thumb. I will always be a loner. Not that I mind, I mean, it's fine that I always find peace in solitude and confinement, but sometimes that solitude can be a pain when it comes to finding a person to talk to. 

Sometimes I don't even understand myself. My emotions, my feelings, sometimes I just don't understand them. This inability to understand my emotions has been bugging me all year round. I don't know if it's normal for a growing female teenager, I really don't, but I just hope I'll get out of this phase soon enough. I've always been meaning to talk to people about my problems, but most of the time I just find it best to keep these problems to myself since even I myself am not sure about what's going on in my mind. Most of the time I choose to keep quiet and just go with the flow. 

Peanut

Hey guys, i'm back :)

Selama ni ingatkan nak buat blog ni invisible taknak bagi semua tahu, but now ada orang pula tahu -.- Crappy dong dong! HAHA. Well, you know who you are :p He is my best-est-est friend.  He is also my soul mate, my love, my breath hihihi. Insha-allah.

Okay, gambar kat atas tu, are my classmates. Lawa kan diorang?  Farah wahida, farahana dan shahira farhana a.k.a. ana. And ofcz me, the one yang pakai shawl tu la :D I love them anyway.

Sorry korang, letak pasal korang kat sini :p

Harini dah hari ahad. Sekarang tengah sibuk buat persiapan kagem. Untuk cover markah koko bagi sesiapa yang tak masuk kakom. Haa, aku masuk video pentomin. Ala-ala miming teater macamtu lah, tanpa suara. Agak best sebenarnya cuma setiap orang yang masuk pentomin, orang yang aku tak pernah jumpa. Kecuali sorang dua lah. So, untuk mem-positif-kan diri, aku anggap ni sebagai proses untuk aku mngenali orang baru. tambah kawan hopefully. Sebagai memotivasikan diri, aku try to get to know them. So far urmm okay. Sebenarnya kan aku agak pendiam sebenarnya. Aku pun taktahu and aku memang tak selesa bila tak dapat jadi diri aku sebenar. Cisss! So nanti kita story macam mana video nanti kay?

Next topic, keboom!

Suasana pagi-pagi kat matrikulasi perlis, kabus tebal! Fuh! Seronok pagi-pagi dapat rasa kabus. Hihi feeel. Sejuk sangat tapi nyaman. Dengar cerita semalam ada puting beliung. 

TEKAN SINI! :D

Fatma, Iffah & Ana

Happy birthday Fatma! Happy sangaaaaat dapat celebrate birthday dia. Mula mula dia bukan main sedih lagi sebab dia sangka kami semua tak ingat birthday dia. Haha but then, kitorang habis kelas akhir, suprise dia! Okay apa aku merepek -.- haha. Aku tengok fatma hampir menangis terharu bila As, datang dengan cake menuju ke arah dia. Kami satu kelas pula, nyanyi lagu birthday. Wah, what a day :)

Rindu sangat sangaaaaaaaaaaaaat mama & faiq :'(

xoxo

fynaz