This is all my fault. I was the one who dragged myself into this mess. I'm trying so hard to avoid of that thing that hurts me, but how can I, when that same thing is the one thing that makes me happy too? I've been weighing down the consequences for so long, I don't think I will ever reach a conclusion. Maybe my actions have been very damaging, but I just couldn't help it. I relied so much on that one thing to keep me happy but all I get in the end is disappointment.
At this point I'm just so clueless on what I have to do next. I can honestly say that I hate where I am now, but what can I do? Nothing happens without the will of Allah, and He has put me here. And as we all know, Allah never puts His believers into situations that He thinks they will not be able to overcome. So I guess right now I just have to stop thinking so much and just rely on Him for guidance because frankly, I'm really tired of trying so hard. I just wish there's a switch somewhere that can magically transport me to a new life. But obviously that's not going to happen. Ever. That tension builds up and I'm left with this giant need to just let it all out.
Am I making sense here? I don't know. But what I do know is that, I am a lone wolf. Always have, and always will be, no matter who or what I have in my life. Because at the end of the day, there's only myself. I don't know what I'm going to do next. Hopefully during that period I can clear my head up a bit, wash away all the impurities within me that have been destroying me mentally and emotionally.
I think I need space, but I'm too selfish to be alone. I don't know man. I hate everything here. I just wanna enjoy myself for the next coming days. Alone.
