I don't know why I'm writing this...

I don't like sharing my problems with friends so much, I like to keep my problems to myself (or if I'm really desperate I'd rant about it to my mom). Basically, I just prefer doing things on my own.

But now, everything seems different. Sometimes it does sting a little to see everyone so happily engrossed in their own tight relationships with their family while I probably don't, but I usually overcome that feeling of being lonely by occupying myself with things like reading, or surfing the net, or sometimes I just think of the Almighty Allah and suddenly I don't feel so lonely anymore. After all of sudden. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but then again I've always preferred being the odd one out. Loneliness, but only sometimes. But sometimes I think I may be a little bit too stubborn.

Kakak, 

you can't really blame me, you know. For what happened. Things have gone your way, and you act like as if I were nothing to you. You locked the room, locker, dashboard, everything! You act like as if we've never even been sisters before. Always. I don't know. Ya Allah, stop it please! It is hurt! Hm, I may not like you all the time, but I really need a sister. From the bottom of my heart, seriously.

I'm hurt. I'm dying inside. But hey, why am I writing this here, when there's probably nobody out there who are willing to listen? I don't know.

Kenapa baru nak buat semua bila ada orang datang? Please. Kita tak faham. Naah, it's okay. I used to be invisible.

Hers

This is all my fault. I was the one who dragged myself into this mess. I'm trying so hard to avoid of that thing that hurts me, but how can I, when that same thing is the one thing that makes me happy too? I've been weighing down the consequences for so long, I don't think I will ever reach a conclusion. Maybe my actions have been very damaging, but I just couldn't help it. I relied so much on that one thing to keep me happy but all I get in the end is disappointment.

At this point I'm just so clueless on what I have to do next. I can honestly say that I hate where I am now, but what can I do? Nothing happens without the will of Allah, and He has put me here. And as we all know, Allah never puts His believers into situations that He thinks they will not be able to overcome. So I guess right now I just have to stop thinking so much and just rely on Him for guidance because frankly, I'm really tired of trying so hard. I just wish there's a switch somewhere that can magically transport me to a new life. But obviously that's not going to happen. Ever. That tension builds up and I'm left with this giant need to just let it all out.

Am I making sense here? I don't know. But what I do know is that, I am a lone wolf. Always have, and always will be, no matter who or what I have in my life. Because at the end of the day, there's only myself. I don't know what I'm going to do next. Hopefully during that period I can clear my head up a bit, wash away all the impurities within me that have been destroying me mentally and emotionally.

I think I need space, but I'm too selfish to be alone. I don't know man. I hate everything here. I just wanna enjoy myself for the next coming days. Alone.

Here in Opahbik's house :B

Today was a very emotional day for my friends and I. We had our last day in KMP and the amount of fun we had was immeasurable. Many of us cried. As far as I'm concerned, I just couldn't stop crying. At one point I just started sobbing really hard and by that time the tears were uncontrollable. Today would most probably the last day for all of us to be in KMP, together, and there will be no more spending time with each other in that college of ours after this.

It's hard to believe that we're ending this college soon. It's even harder to believe that even though it's only been less than a year, we've managed to develop a sense of togetherness over time. Yes, it's only been a few months, but I can honestly say that each and every one of us have gotten along really well compared to others. We've had many ups and downs, and we've had so much drama this semester compared to last semester (literally), but time and time again at the end of the day we're still a family, no matter how much we annoyed and irritated each other. Except for that one girl, A. Hard to understand.

My roommates really play an important part in my life. I mean, yeah, sure, we often fought and annoyed each other a lot, but we're just so much closer than you think. We might be naughty and lazy and loud and noisy and ridiculous and annoying, but come on, what are we without all that? I think the sweetest memory that I will forever cherish in my life, is the time when we had our inter-block singing competition. Remember, the most annoyying song "kita satu bangsa kita satu negaraaaaa~" Haha we had a pretty rough start. Many didn't cooperate, we had issues with our props, but as time went by we actually got on really well. We've managed to resolve so many problems, all thanks to the cooperation from everyone.We managed to finish in second place :B I think that was the starting point that actually brought us all together as one. As a team. We had so many fights, but we managed to pull through. As time progressed we succeeded in cooperating with each other, and we bonded really well too.

We ended our forever memorable rooms with a group hug ang kisses and we sort of made a promise to each other to meet again. We hugged each other individually. First Azrin come up to me and hugged me tight and I hugged her back. And then Faiza came and hugged us, and then Ira came also, and it became a group hug. We were all crying and sobbing and and it took us a while to let go of each other. We got a whole lot closer and I wouldn't have had so much fun in here without them. So then we parted ways to hug everyone else, so I went up to Salwa and hugged her. As we hugged she told me a little piece of advice that really touched my heart, because I remember there was this one time recently when I had a really honest talk with her. I told her things I wouldn't really tell just about anyone and she listened on, gave me the right advice. I cried even harder as she spoke and at that point I just couldn't thank her enough for being such a good listener, and a good friend.

My life in here would never have been this fun if it weren't for my roommates & classmates instead. It's just hard to believe that we've reached the end of KMP. All those dramas and fights we had, and all those good times we've shared, they're just impossible for me not to cherish forever.

#Salwa & Hazrin (s) Birthday! Hazrin Lari bila mahu ditangkap gambarnya. Do I sounds Indon? :/

 #We used to buy this Nasi Lemak Delivery, yummy :9

#Haiwan peliharaan kami dari sem satu. Dari kiri, tompok, biggie, pipit, cutie, gambar rakun je takda and satu lagi kucing kelabu kecil.

#Time ni makan di Luar matrik together dengan roommates :)

#First time berjalan hangout tempah kereta sewa :D

#Steamboat time!

#Riding together, rindu :')

 #Alor Setar (:

Al-khindi 203 and their memories will always remain in my heart. Forever and always.

Hi. It has been awhile i didn't update my blog. Hey. I started off the study weeks feeling groggy and frustrated.. I managed to wake up at 6.40 in the morning, after done with subuh I"m thinking I'd sleep for another ten minutes before I wake up and do a little bit of studying. Hmm. Last last, 9.30 baru bangun. Gosh. I hate waking up late. Everything's in a rush and you tend to forget some important things.

Accounts was pretty easy. I studied, of course. A weeks before the exams even started. But...I tend to forget some facts in the process. So, I had to struggle a bit when I did that  paper. Sigh. Tomorrow is the last day of exam! Economics. Blew it! I'm gonna go study econs later lah. I can't really focus in the evening. I need silence. I'm so sleepy and lethargic. I've just had a two-hour nap and now I'm feeling groggy. In fact, I don't think I'm fully awake yet. I hate it when I fall asleep in the evening. When I wake up, I'd feel like as if there's a heavy rock on my head.

I'm prone to sleep nowadays. Since the study weeks. Haha. It's like my new hobby, and I hate it -_- I hate nerds. I hate those kinds of nerds who'd fuss about one teeny weeny itty bit of a wrong answer. Get a grip, gosh. Dah confirm dapat A tu senyap jela, ini terjerit sampai satu KMP dengar. What the..

3rd May, FASTER LAH!

I wanna go home. 

So badly. 

Pleaseee.... 

*burst into tears* 

Suriah Binti Juah

She's my mom. I admire her for what she knows and for being so cool about it. Ask her any question and she is always beaming with the right answer. (I wonder how she did that). She often challenges my values, my convictions--making sure that I keep the right values close to my heart always, and get rid of the things that destroy both the body, mind and spirit.

Why do I love my mom?

1. She is Allah's gift to me. From her, I learned everything that I needed to survive in this challenging world.

2. She taught me the real meaning of love (outside of emotions and beyond words) forgiveness, patience and grace.

3. She is a mother who took care of all our needs.

4. She is a friend who took time to listen whether I had a happy or sad story to tell.

5. She is my teacher, my mentor and my one & only mentor; teaching me what really matters in this world.

I can only thank to Allah, Alhamdulilllah, for my mom because without her, I would not have been brought out into this world and enjoy the life. I am grateful for every minute that I have spent with her and I need it always. Pure love and selflessness and sacrifice. I love you mama. You are the best. You will always be.

Conversations between (me & mom) JUST NOW

Mama : Inash, dah siap semua barang-barang balik college?

Me      : Naaaaah, lambat lagi balik. & macam nak tambah cuti je, boleh kan maa? *flirting eyes*

Mama : Ehh ticket dah beli, & esok lah kamu balik takkan dah lupa sayang

Me      : Haaaaaaaaaaaa esok ke balik?! :O  SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYY?!!!!
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Zulfaiq, a.k.a. the future imam in our family :') Alhamdulillah.
Since faiq masuk Kolej Tahfiz, mama & ayah rindu je. Mama loves playing wiith her Pee Pou game. It reminds her about faiq. Comelnya lah mama saya :')

It makes me sad knowing that I can't count on my sister to be there for me as a best friend like how we used to be. But I've distanced myself from her because of the fact that i can't really talk to her about anything or even trust her. Just bcs of the way she treat me...you know, hm. I wonder if any of you have been in the same situation with an older sibiling, how did you deal with it?

HELLO BONJOUR!

Anyway my love for my soon-to-be Samsung S II is growing! I'm planning to save and collect as much money as I can to get my new S II! I've found out about the installment systems. You can buy things ansuran. But the price would be diffrent. As an example, the normal price for galaxy note is 1400+ but with the installment system it will be RM1800+. What do you think? Hmmmmm Pleaseeeeee. This is the link -->  CLICK HERE & here --> YOUTUBE

<------------------------LOOK AT ME! I'M CONFUSING! HELP ME OUT!
        WARGHHHHHHHH!!! 
      (me with a paramesium shawl)

Me want this

I've finally found the phone that I want!

Well, the phone that I want is Samsung S II. The graphics are just awesome! Haha. I saw the Samsung catalog earlier today. I'm planning to save and collect as much money as I can to get our new S II! Well, It looks a lot like my sister's Galaxy Note but smaller and just nice :) I've searched internet and so do courts. They were selling it for RM1600. OMG! I GOTTA HAVE IT!

Ain't it puuurrty? It is touch screen, it's a whole lot easier to type, the graphics are very attractive and not that big such Galaxy note. What can I not love about this phone? I text a lot, and I want a phone that doesn't weigh more than my purse with all the coins and stuff in it. I gotta start saving. Hmm maybe in three or four months I might just get this phone, if I save a lot.

Ya Allah, I really want this phone! I'm lusting and drooling over it. Oh myyyyy. Anyway, since I'm earning a fair sum of money every month from my allowance, it'll only take me about three months worth of mine to compensate for the galaxy S2 that I want. But, you know me, my patience is not something to be proud of. Hehe. I'm trying to make it possible to make the three-month-wait squeeze into just a month. I already have a couple of hundreds in my bank, and I need RM700 more. I'm also planning to sell my old Galaxy mini 2 phone, the black one that I used back in 2010. It's still in perfect condition, and I might just get around RM200 just by selling it. Hehe. And as for the rest? Maybe I'll ask my mom to chip in a little bit, and I'll pay her back later when my monthly salary comes in. Tunggu kerja after done my Matric. Hehe. Or maybe i should just wait? I'll consider.
CLICK HERE BABY!

Hello there!

UPS/diagnostic exam is finally over! for now. PSPM's await us as we anticipate them, anxious. God, if I don't get this over and done with any sooner, I'm going to participate in the explosion of stress. Can PSPM come faster pleeeeeeease? Acc was easy, so do economics. Business, hmm quite challenging, but I could do it. I can't wait to get my results for the UPS. 

Anyway, I'm up to a point where I feel like as if time is running out. I feel like as if I've just finished my PSPM and am about to apply for University for degree. But I haven't finished my PSPM yet lah. Yeah anyway I have been dreaming of becoming a islamic banker. I used to dream of myself in those formal black coats, counting money-$ and how my office would look like (ceh). Now I'm just lost. I don't know what to do in life. I don't know what I want to do in life! Most people nowadays want to become a doctor, lawyer, accountant but I bet you that only 30% are not in it for the glamour. Me? I'm not sure why I wanted to become an accountant expert.

Me suck

Ooh, New Girl is on. Haha. Toodles!

I need more of this positive energy. Where can I get more of this positive energy? O' right, by eating :) Food makes me happy, too

I wanna kill myself

Why? Bcs I can't seem to concentrate on Business subject! My God, the textbook and the reference books just make the subject even more boring than it is. URGGHHH!! The textbook is so not student-friendly, the pictures given in the textbook are meaningless, the layout of every page is just sooo boring. The font is just right, but the gap between every line is just too small, hence making it impossible for me, or any student for that matter, to be deeply engrossed in such an interesting topic with an unfortunately boring way of telling the whole agenda. I'll keep complaining~~

Jeezzz. I just can't concentrate on Bisnes right now. Nothing is sticking to the walls of my brain and if all else fails, then I'll just rely on God and a bit of luck to help me.

NEXT WEEK IS THE EXAM WEEK, WHYYY KMP, WHY SO EARLY? :'(

I feel sorry for myself

I hate how I carry myself sometimes. It's been going on quite frequently these past few days, the self-hate part I mean. And I hate how ignorant and cold and selfish I can get, whenever I'm having one of those crappy days. Like today. But I'm trying my best to change that. I'm trying my best to constantly improve myself as a person, day by day.

What is wrong? I'm so much better than this. I miss the old you, Syafinaz aris. I don't know you anymore. Hm

Mwehehehe

Don't bother asking about the title of this post. I'm out of titles. Hahah. I had a tiring but fun time today with a few of my friends.I feel so much better now, after last few day's little scare. I'm just so glad that I chatted with my two friends, Raidah & ana, last night and I did follow their advices, which basically just summed up to turn to God when feeling helpless. And yeah, I did. I felt so much better after I prayed :)

We shared our problems. Apparently we're supposed to hand in our english assignments (questionaire) 'asap' but we didn't. Hehe. Well, yeah sure, of course we'd try to complete our assignments but there's just one slight problem. We're on our own. That promised guidance has vapourised into absolute nothingness. We have absolutely no idea on what to do and we're just clueless about this whole scrap book bull. Of course, we'd gotten this assignment a couple of weeks ago, after the 2 weeks holidays started. But we weren't informed in detail on what to do and we were fed with empty promises. We could just copy one off from other classes but the thing is...there's just so much to do and it's all due on February. A week more to go. Isn't that just marvelous? :)

Hahaaaaa. Die. Anyway yeah, thank you, best friends, for such a delightfully wonderful day! You know who you are :) It was a beautiful day to be outside and I enjoyed spending my day with my friends. We shared lots of stories and we laughed a lot, and it really felt like old times. Just the three of us sitting together, making lame jokes and laughing like there's no tomorrow. It's like the textbook definition of a perfect day; spending good quality time with your best friends on a romantic, clear day. I love you guys! Muah! Haha :p Only six more days of exam to go. Right now, I'm just tired. I'm very very tired and I just wanna curl up in bed and sleep.God, this year, really stressing. I'm sitting for PSPM in another few months, and I'm targeting for at least 3.5 above. It's crucial that I get good results for my PSPM because I wasn't do my best for my PSPM 1 and it hurts me. I want to go to a good university and get a good education so I can get a job with a good pay.

Goodnite. Toodles.

STOP UNDERESTIMATING ME

You have no idea what I can do and you don't even have a clue on what kind of talents -- yes, talentssssss -- I have coz you never even bothered to know. So many thoughts are going through my mind right now that I can't even explain myself. Is it so wrong to be so devoted to something that you really enjoy doing? Sheesh. Some people are just so shallow-minded that it pisses me off.

Can I ask you a question? Why is it always that some people are totally narrow-minded, and they think that just because you're not in the science stream, or that you choose a career that has nothing to do whatsoever with science and math, then you're just dumb, or not intelligent, or you're just not doing well in school? Seriously. I mean, do the words "smart" and "intelligent" only apply to those who are left-brained? I'M JUST SAYIN'. Naaah

TTYL.

I can't believe it's already Sunday. Which means that the moment I wake up from the sweet, sweet oblivion of sleep tomorrow morning, it would be Monday. A godawful Monday. A Monday where I have to wake up early in the morning, hit the showers, and go to class for the first time in the week. Monday. I hate that word. Mondaaaay. Full with classes, scheduled. It feels like acid in my mouth. I HATE MONDAYS! Well, I couldn't sleep well last night :( and I don't know why. It took me like about more than an hour i guess, to fall asleep after switching off the lights and tucking myself underneath the comforter. I also woke up a few times in the middle of the night and it was oddly warm inside my room.

There was this one time last night when I woke up with a start. I remember dreaming about all my teeth starting to get lose and then falling out of their sockets, and then I called my mother, crying about how terrified I was. It was terrifying dream that I woke up with a gasp and my heart started pounding, and just to be sure, I ran my tongue along my teeth just to see whether or not they were still in place. Hahaha. That was really terrifying. I hate dreaming. Seriously, I hate dreaming. I wouldn't mind if I dream of happy things, you know? But when it comes to weird dreams like oh I don't know, like my teeth falling out, that's just freaky. I always dream of weird things and sometimes they creep me out, other times they just annoy the crap out of me. Well, do you know about Lendu's story? Not to mention the name of the University but..yeah

Check this out! CLICK HERE PLEASE

What happened two nights ago really changed me, emotionally.

Something knock my door! Now it affected my emotional feelings. Honestly, that "incident" really changed me. Whenever I feel like something is not right, or I'm not feeling quite like myself, I would become mad like a pig. Like I said, if that bloody bastard wants to live here, go ahead. Just don't disturb me at all! Seriously. It's so annoying to be disturbed by such a satan. First they disturb you by making you feel scared and emotionally weak, then they'll attack you, resulting you to be even more scared. and yeah i slept with fatin last night hehe.

But, on the other hand, if you're emotionally strong and stern, it will definitely go away. It has feelings, too. And it can also read your mind. It knows when you're scared and when you're not scared. Think of this as absurd, but it really is true. I was being disturbed and I didn't like it at all. It's annoying and disturbing and just...eerie. But then again, this might just be a test from the Almighty God. He might want me to become stronger emotionally, because I believe that what He does is for my own good. Look at me now, I don't think I'm that afraid of that thing disturbing me anymore. I'll just chant a few prayers and kedebabooom! it'll be gone. It is afraid of God, you know.

AHHHHHH MY CHIN IS HURT :( GOT BITTEN BY CHARLIEEE. DAMN YOU CHARLIE -____-

Dengar cerita Jasmin will be back., she'll be staying here in KMP like she used to. Dia kena gantung for 2 weeks, alahai suspend je. But as a punishment (maybe), she needs to change class. To avoid that 'thing' happen again. Macam fitnah lah benda ni. Ahh whatever -_________-  This is sooo non of my business, am I right?

Still, I'm glad she's back.